What It Feels Like To Be Infertile

13 Jul

If you haven’t had to jump through the hoops of infertility then it may be hard to understand just what I am ranting and raving about. I have had so many women tell me that they feel like they can’t open up to others about their infertility challenges for fear of being misunderstood, belittled, or judged. Infertility is a medical condition which deserves recognition. Contrary to popular belief we won’t get pregnant if we “just relax”. We need medical intervention, medication, and sometimes much, much more. Most of all, we need support.

I can’t speak for everyone, as we are all different, but here is a look inside this Infertile Myrtle’s head.

Infertility makes me feel USELESS. The most basic instinct of being female is the trait of motherhood. We are natural caregivers. Our bodies were carefully created to carry babies, to labor for hours, to nurse, to love. Yet my womb is still empty. If I am unable to fulfill even this natural purpose, then what can I do?

Infertility makes me feel HELPLESS. Human nature is to want to be in control, to be able to influence the things that are happening to us and around us, but infertility takes all control from my hands. I can’t control my body, it obviously has a mind all its own. I can’t control what options are available to me, those decisions are limited to my doctor, my body’s reaction, and my finances. I can’t decide when I will get pregnant (if I ever do) or if my body will carry a baby to term. There is very little that I alone am able to do to increase my chances of becoming a mother. I have virtually no say in any of this and that is a struggle.

Infertility makes me feel JEALOUS. I never thought I could be so envious of someone til I started praying for a child. Now it seems as though every infant is a reminder of what I don’t have. Every mother stands for what I wish I could be. In so many ways my jealousy controls me. It prevents me from spending time with pregnant friends or family members. It causes me to avoid baby showers and children’s birthday parties. It makes me nervous to log in to Facebook in fear I will be bombarded with baby photos and pregnancy announcements. Every time my heart sinks.

Infertility makes me feel ANGRY. In a world full of evil, it is hard to see how God decides to give babies to thieves and drug addicts yet denies my husband and I of the same blessing. I know He has a plan and if I could see the whole picture I would understand, but I can’t and I don’t. As a result I am angry. I become angry every time I watch the news, seeing all the innocent children being abused and neglected. I am angered by teenage mothers, abortion, “accidental pregnancies”. It is my anger that has the most negative effect on me during this journey. I know that if I could just rid myself of the anger this would all be just a little bit easier. I am working on it, but it is far from easy.

Infertility makes me feel ALIENATED. I feel like people are always talking about me; wondering what my diagnosis is, judging me for not taking my infertility as a “sign” that I’m not supposed to be a mother, subconsciously assessing what I am doing wrong. When they choose to talk to me instead, I feel like I am made of glass. Like they are just waiting on me to shatter.

All these emotions are just the tip of the iceberg so to speak. There are so many more feelings beneath the icy surface. There’s the ANXIETY, the sense of being BROKEN, IRREPARABLE. There’s the HOPELESSNESS, the FEAR, the EMBARRASSMENT, the DISAPPOINTMENT, the DEPRESSION.

Most of all, infertility makes me feel SAD. It’s pain and its anguish. It makes you feel like giving up. But how can you when its all you’ve ever wanted?


One Response to “What It Feels Like To Be Infertile”

  1. Christie July 9, 2013 at 12:52 am #

    I am so glad, in a sense, that someone else understands what I feel. All my friends are having their second or third child, people come into my office with babies, one pregnant with her seventh! It just breaks my heart that there is a 99% chance I will never experience that joy. Most people just don’t understand how hard it is to cope with. My husband recently had a heart attack at 28, and his biggest fear was leaving me all alone if something had happened to him. It’s so hard to understand, why me? What did we do that was so wrong? I suppose thr will be something I will always deal with.

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